The Grumpiest Monday, EVER!

The pain overtakes my alarm clock, by approximately 30 minutes, 30 minutes snooze I lose.

This time last week I was living the free world under general anaesthetic, whilst the surgeons cut, pulls and drains removing all doubt.  I’m still no closer returning to the world I truly, utterly fell head over heels for.  I miss it.  Prepare the violins AND cellos:

I’ve not been able to feel the left hand side of my face – ear & neck for over a week.

I’ve got a mahoosive scar that makes people think that I’ve been a victim of knife crime (see below).

more hospital images >HERE<

I’ve not been able to get excited about my birthday.  Perfectly timed, 29th May BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND – Cancelled.  I’m not sure when and if I’ll celebrate.

I’ve not been able to indulge in some fine booze – the wig, comedy glasses and goofy teeth are not fooling me.

I’ve not been able to enjoy the sun, fully – I get nausea, dry land sickness and the grandmother of all headaches.

I’ve not been able to wash my hair ‘properly’; I’d give Head & Shoulders a run for their money.

I’ve not been able to wash my face with the good stuff – baby wipes just don’t leave me feeling young and fit – more crusty and retired.

I’ve not had a successful number two visit to the loo.  This is a big deal since I normally average 5 a day.

I’ve not been able to drive my beloved VDUB, especially after spending most of my monthly income on it last month.

I’ve not been able to read peoples’ tweets without hating them, wishing them an un-healthy death.

I’ve been told to ‘get the hell out of London’ & back up north to Grantham.  I’m not sure if my parents crazy house is where I should be.

I’ve not had sex for a week, balls becoming like melons, not enough energy – so whacking off isn’t an option.

And the one think that really makes my trigger finger twitch…

I’ve been told to rest, by a lot of people.  Is it just moi or is resting an impossible task?

Please enlighten me, advise me on how to rest, relax, and unravel to the blank canvas needed.  Or am I thinking too much?

So, today I have nothing that’s cheered me up, nothing at all.

This is why I’m calling on my 7 readers to help me ease the grumpiness.  Send me your tips for relaxing, send me those clips that made you smile, send me quotes, send me anything as I really can’t be arsed with all this anymore (links via comments, or tweet, email me).

One thing I don’t want to be sent is that fucking, amazing Nike ad – I’m done with it (wish I’d done that feeling).

If you want me, I’ll be underneath my duvet wishing I was something else (like a Ice Cream, being licked by an unbelievably hot 6ft lady) until all this was gone away, far away – like Pluto.

x

4 comments on “The Grumpiest Monday, EVER!

  1. luke
    May 24, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

    Mate…u should rest

  2. Anna Jane
    May 24, 2010 at 6:52 pm #

    Oh Bitchbag you poor, poor thing!

    My best tip for relaxation:

    – Lavender oil + a nice hot bath. The smell of lavender always, always makes you feel more mellowed out
    – Lavender drops added to your pillow will help you nod off if you’re finding it difficult to sleep
    – Massages! massages are goooood
    – Chocolate! nothing beats curling up with a big bar of Galaxy, or even better, Cadburys Dairy Milk.

    Big hugs and all the best! xxx

  3. RoCow
    May 24, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    Why not… get someone to whack you off (this is not an offer) get me insured on your dub and I will drive you to somewhere nice, like Tescos. Get your mum to make some of her wicked nice food into baby food so at least you can eat it and I would love some of her Chapatis and non liquidised food stuffs in payment for driving you about.

    And I know you’re sick but:

    This time last week I was living the free world under general anaesthetic, whilst the surgeons cut.

    Surgeon yeh?

    😉

    This might pass the time
    http://www.fuckingweirdshit.com/

  4. Bitchbag
    May 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm #

    @PB Lavender oil on the way :o)

    @Ro Capital S ;o)

    If I pass, the dub is yours. It’s rolling on some new fully adjustable coilovers now. You fancy any VDUB shows this year?

    O yeah, I am sick – so suck my balls x

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